Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Senior Symposium # 8 - The Last Goodbye

It was a hazy Sunday morning. The sun was breaking away from the infinitely-far horizon, struggling to be free, glittering very humbly against a lethargic sky that did not permit. I stood on the veranda, my mind confused and my mind pumping excited blood through my body. Just then, the door cracked open, and she appeared.

Still dressed in her pajamas and tired to a pair of sleepy eyes, she looked at me in obvious surprise, contemplating my reason for coming here. In her arms was her all-time-favorite dog, who shied away upon seeing me pushing my head closer to his owner. After a moment of hesitation, she walked towards me, cautiously counting her steps as if treading along a fine line between good and evil. Her delicate eyes wandered wittily. When they met mine, she quickly moved them away, like a jeweler who hid his precious stones at the sight of a suspicious character. To the vulnerable her, I was that suspicious character, evil and unwanted.

“I want to give you this card, in case I don't see you tomorrow,” I said something like that. I cannot remember correctly because the encounter up to that point remains until now a blurry dream to me.

“Oh, thanks,” she took the card, attempting to be natural and casual. Her voice was sweet but hatefully artificial. The first word was drearily separated from the second, and I could feel a powerful tension rising from he response.

“So...any final word before we part forever?” I tried to prolong the half-smashed conversation. She was still looking away, her eyes starring aimlessly at the ground.

“Mmm...have a nice vacation.” Her words reached me almost without effect. I should have known. She was using her usual implicative tone again. Not wanting to crush the already broken heart that burned with me, yet not allowing it to create a more hopeful situation, she left the topic hanging in midair. Simplistically and humbly beautiful as she was, her conscience knew no sympathy, and she was ruthless, torturing my soul without a second thought. I felt hatred engulfing my head, and I wanted to leave.

The sun had risen higher. With a painstaking effort, it shot a ray of light through the foggy sky, across the garden, and this tiny droplet found its place on her cold, emotionless face. Miraculously, the heavenly light gave her visage a new life, and it lit up in a brilliant golden color. Instantly, I found in her cruel look the familiar face I used to love. Yes I found it once again, the playful girl, the thoughtful girl, the girl of the past who died but through the enlightening sun ray appeared again to revive my soul. Her whole body was now endowed with this holy light and she could not keep help turning her head towards me. She was sad but pretty, her indifference has disintegrated, and her breathing deepened. I moved closer and immediately sensed the wonderful smell of her hair, a scent that used to evoke unfathomable madness and drive out the animal instinct in me. Yes, she once was my love, and her wittiness was a double-sided knife, lovable in those days and threatening at this moment. For an instant I felt happy and satisfied to feel the old emotions rising up again. But then I realized that I must leave before she thrust that knife at my heart once more.

“I'll miss you real lots,” I managed a content smile. Before she could impose another tyrannous act, I turned around and started walking blindly, almost stumbling over my own feet. My last goodbye ended like that. As I ran down the pathway, I started to cry, cry because I have lost something I would never regain, and cry because even if I did regain it in the physical sense, it would never want to be mine. She was still in my head, precious, beautiful and wittily brutal, but I was gone from hers forever.

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